Sometimes when we experience the death of a toxic or abusive person in our lives, we have mixed emotions. This is something that is not talked about, and something which many people struggle with in their lifetime.
If you have a similar experience of someone dying who was a painful person in your life and you feel mixed emotions, you are not alone.
You are not a bad person. Or evil. Or sick.
You may have received trauma from an abuser for example, and it is natural to be angry with them, whether they are dead or alive.
The emotions and feelings you are processing are valid, and most importantly, they are okay... whatever you are feeling is not strange or a reason to be ashamed.
You may have gut-wrenching sobs over your parent dying and still be glad they are gone.
You aren’t crying for them or their return.
You grieve for the loss of never having what you should have had in that relationship.
You are left unable to mourn properly. Gone forever is the chance to confront, to resolve arguments, to declare your love to them.
There is unfinished business, questions unanswered, words unspoken or words that can’t be taken back. How would you want it finished?
You get to create, if only in your mind, a beautiful ending.
Write it down and write your own ending. Write a poem or find a song that expresses your thoughts. Paint a picture or design a scrapbook. Create a collage or a small memorial space in your home or yard. You know the reality all too well, but you can dream of how it could or should have been without being delusional!